April 15th is tax day, or the deadline for submitting your tax returns to the government. It’s a day we should all stop and give thanks to our omniscient, omnipresent, and opulent oligarchy. On behalf of the 50% of Americans who pay for the other half, I would like to give thanks to you today, my all-powerful government, for taxing my income, my property, my purchases, my gifts, my investments, and my estate that I would like to leave to my children when I die. Truly… Thank you. I mean it.

I realize that merely confiscating a large percentage of my hard earned money is not enough to fund your imperialistic military, your entitlement programs, foreign aid, bank bailouts, and all of your massive departments. I understand that if I watch my spending and save a little and invest for my future you must tax that as well (wait, didn’t you already tax that money once?). I also realize that you must tax the food, gas, and clothing that I must buy with some of my money that you allow me to keep. I understand that this is still not enough revenue for you so I must pay you each year for things I own like my house and my car. And finally, I totally get that whatever you leave me with, at the end of my days, that I want to leave for my kids, you must take your cut of that too.

I know that it breaks your heart to have to steal tax the same money I’ve made over and over again to fund your existence. I’m just glad I could do my part. I am so glad that all your pillaging is enough to pay for everything. Wait, what?!? It’s still not enough? You have to borrow from China, Japan, Europe, and other countries too??? Well, at least that covers you. What’s that? You’re sh$tting me! That’s still not enough?? You have to print billions of new dollars out of thin air each month as well??? Well, hey I get it. We are a big country and have a lot to pay for. At least you plan to pay down this massive debt you’ve run up at some point, right? What!???!!

Look, I know that if I ran my personal finances or my business the way you run our country I’d be in a world of hurt. I so admire that you are not constrained by responsibility like we the people are. On this tax day I pledge my allegiance to you and give thanks that you rape and pillage me year in and year out. I look forward to sending you my check this year.


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